2008年11月24日 星期一

來自星艦迷航記的微軟老笑話

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
星艦迷航記軼事

"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able
to access their command pathways?"

<畢凱>「鷹眼,你有沒有找到博格人的任何弱點?還有,百科,你是否已接上對方的指揮通道?」


"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

<鷹眼>「有的,艦長。事實上,我們是在有關二十世紀末電腦科技的檔案中找到的。」


<鷹眼按了一個鍵,一個標幟出現在電腦螢幕上。>


"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

<瑞克面露疑惑>「『微軟』是個什麼玩意兒?」


"Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<百科轉身回答>「讓我來解釋。我們要把這個叫做『Windows』的程式
送入博格人的命令通道中。只要它進入了他們的底層命令單元,它就
會不停地消耗系統資源。」


"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<畢凱>「但博格人具有適應性。他們不是可以修改他們的操作系統來增加他們的儲存容量?」


"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a
new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to
adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
functions."

<百科>「是的,艦長。但當『Windows』發現這點時,它會造出它的
一個新的版本,叫做『昇級版』。每次出新版時,它消耗資源的速度
都會呈指數倍增,博格人根本就來不及適應。到最後他們所有的計算
能力都會被消耗殆盡,而無法進行正常的運作。」


"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

<畢凱>「做得好,這比那個『無解幾何形』的主意還要好。」


. . 15 Minutes Later . . .

. . 十五分鐘後 . . .


"Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."

<百科>「艦長,我們已經將『Windows』植入他們的命令單元。正如
預期地,它立刻消耗掉全部資源的85%。可是我們還沒有得到任何有
關『昇級版』的消息。」


"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<鷹眼>「我們的掃瞄器發現博格人的儲存容量和CPU能力都有提昇,
但仍然沒有任何『昇級版』的跡象。」


"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."

<畢凱>「百科,再搜尋一遍歷史資料庫,看看我們有沒有漏掉什麼。」


"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
sending in their registration cards.

<百科>「長官,我想有一個原因會使得『昇級版』不來。顯然博格人
沒有寄出他們的註冊卡,才會躲掉我們計畫的這一部分。」


"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

<瑞克>「艦長,我們沒有選擇了。請淮許啟動緊急脫離程序3F...」


"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<鷹眼興奮狀>「等一下,艦長,我剛偵測到他們的CPU能力忽然掉到0%!」


"Data, what does your scanners show?"

<畢凱>「百科,你的掃瞄器上怎麼說?」


"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

<百科>「顯然博格人找到『Windows』內一個叫做『接龍』的模組,
而這個模組用光了CPU的處理能力。」


"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

<畢凱>「我們再等一等,看這個『接龍』可以削弱他們的功能多久。」


. . Two Hours Pass . . .

. . 兩小時後 . . .


"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

<瑞克>「鷹眼,博格人那兒怎樣了?」


"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something
called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

<鷹眼>「博格人正如預期地嘗試修改CPU和記憶體,來補償需求的增加,
但我已經設定好我們離他們最近的深太空監測站,只要他們一增加他們的
資源,我們就從一個叫『微軟歡樂包』的東西裏找出更多的『Windows』
模組來傳送給他們。」


"How much time will that buy us ?"

<畢凱>「如此我們可以爭取到多少時間?」


"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

<百科>「以目前博格人解決問題的速度來看,我預計可以多出六小時。」


"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<鷹眼>「艦長,另一艘艦艇進入本區。」


"Identify."

<畢凱>「辨認。」


"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

<百科>「它上面有很像『微軟』標幟的記號。」


"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE
CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU
HAVE 10 SECONDS"

<擴音器中傳來>「這是比爾蓋茲司令,微軟專賣的旗艦。我們確認在本
區有未註冊的軟體。繳出所有的財產,我們就不找你們麻煩。給你們
十秒鐘。」


"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

<百科>「外星船隻剛打開了前艙蓋,放出數以千計的人形物體。」


"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

<畢凱>「放大前視儀上的外星船隻。」


"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"

<瑞克>「老天哪,艦長!那些是沒穿太空裝的人類,直接飄往博格人
的船去了!他們怎麼能在外太空中生存?」


"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing
Armani suits"
<百科>「我相信那些不是人,長官。如果你仔細瞧,我想你會看到他
們都帶著某種二十一世紀人稱做鹿皮手提箱的東西,而且身穿雅曼尼
西服。」


"Lawyers!!"

<瑞克和凱畢以恐懼的聲音>「律師!!」


"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<鷹眼>「不可能。所有的律師在2017年大覺醒的時候,都被捆起來丟
進太陽裏了。」


"True, but apparently some must have survived."

<百科>「沒錯,但很顯然有些律師生還了。」


"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."

<瑞克>「他們包圍了博格人的船,然後用各種各樣的紙張貼在上面。」


"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often
proves fatal."

<百科>「我相信在古代俗語中那東西叫做『紅帶』,是會致命的。
──譯註:紅帶是繫公文用的,引申作「官樣文章」。


"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<瑞克>「博格人的船被撕成碎片了!」


"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."

<畢凱>「把監視器關掉。就算博格人罪有應得,我也看不下去了。
Mo王子

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